Whirlpool

Lately my anxiety level has been so high I can hardly calm myself down enough to sleep at night. Last night, I spent over an hour just listening to my Zune, trying to keep my mind from spinning...It helped, but I wish I could just lay down and sleep. I'd almost rather be battling the Mono from earlier this fall than not sleeping. I hate this CONSTANT feeling of unease. I have this constant feeling that there's something I should be doing, decisions I should be making, action I should be taking.

I'm having so much trouble deciding what my next step, or decision, should be. I feel so "in between." I just want someone to sit down with me and show me my Road Map for Life and let me go. All I want is a plan. I thrive on plans and expectations. Without them I'm so lost. I don't want to be making these decisions all on my own. So many people expect different things from me and, at the moment, I feel like I'm having a hard time listening to what my own expectations are. And I'm really not sure I ever clearly knew what I wanted for myself. You remember those tests they make college freshmen take to see what you might be good at?? I feel like I'm back at square one. Not good when I just finished my second degree.

I hate this feeling of helplessness and being lost. I've always been so sure of myself.....

Invictus: Unconquered

Greetings blog followers,
It's been September since I wrote. In the last 3 months there's been many instances where I've gone to my blog to write about something that's on my mind....and it never fails that when I get here, I automatically click the little red box in the top, right-hand corner and leave. I like to think that writing is a form of release for me, and when I actually sit down and do it...it is. But too many times I like to torture myself with the pain, hurt, or complete frustration and keep it all inside instead (evidence...the last 3 months). The worst part about this method of "dealing" is that I know that I'm not helping myself, but in some weird way I like the pain of keeping all my hurts inside. There's a word for people like me. Since I don't know that word I'll just settle for the phrase "I have a problem."

Now that's all settled.

I plan on going backwards and covering all the topics that are still brooding on my mind. I know that will be just absolutely thrilling, but hey, what else have I got to talk about? My life is SO interesting.

Tonight I went to see "Invictus." And I won't lie, part of the reason I wanted to see it was because Michael was such a huge fan of Nelson Mandela. I wanted to better understand the history. And of course, the movie doesn't cover it all, so my curiosity is going to have to do some research on its own. The movie was wonderful. Inspiring. The kind of inspiring I wish all people could be affected by. It's movies like these that speak to that part of me that yearns to be great. To be unconquered. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but true stories like these do help me realize that there are heroes still today. Sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. Why do I always have this feeling of settling. Why do I always want something greater? Isn't "great" a relative term? Just like "beauty"? Can't what I'm doing now be considered great in my own heart?? Why can't I find that peace? I'm not sure what scale I'm measuring myself on. Something, somewhere...has to give.


INVICTUS
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.



2 great people with one world image. PEACE and LOVE for everyone. Why is that such a hard concept?