Lately my anxiety level has been so high I can hardly calm myself down enough to sleep at night. Last night, I spent over an hour just listening to my Zune, trying to keep my mind from spinning...It helped, but I wish I could just lay down and sleep. I'd almost rather be battling the Mono from earlier this fall than not sleeping. I hate this CONSTANT feeling of unease. I have this constant feeling that there's something I should be doing, decisions I should be making, action I should be taking.
I'm having so much trouble deciding what my next step, or decision, should be. I feel so "in between." I just want someone to sit down with me and show me my Road Map for Life and let me go. All I want is a plan. I thrive on plans and expectations. Without them I'm so lost. I don't want to be making these decisions all on my own. So many people expect different things from me and, at the moment, I feel like I'm having a hard time listening to what my own expectations are. And I'm really not sure I ever clearly knew what I wanted for myself. You remember those tests they make college freshmen take to see what you might be good at?? I feel like I'm back at square one. Not good when I just finished my second degree.
I hate this feeling of helplessness and being lost. I've always been so sure of myself.....
Greetings blog followers, It's been September since I wrote. In the last 3 months there's been many instances where I've gone to my blog to write about something that's on my mind....and it never fails that when I get here, I automatically click the little red box in the top, right-hand corner and leave. I like to think that writing is a form of release for me, and when I actually sit down and do it...it is. But too many times I like to torture myself with the pain, hurt, or complete frustration and keep it all inside instead (evidence...the last 3 months). The worst part about this method of "dealing" is that I know that I'm not helping myself, but in some weird way I like the pain of keeping all my hurts inside. There's a word for people like me. Since I don't know that word I'll just settle for the phrase "I have a problem."
Now that's all settled.
I plan on going backwards and covering all the topics that are still brooding on my mind. I know that will be just absolutely thrilling, but hey, what else have I got to talk about? My life is SO interesting.
Tonight I went to see "Invictus." And I won't lie, part of the reason I wanted to see it was because Michael was such a huge fan of Nelson Mandela. I wanted to better understand the history. And of course, the movie doesn't cover it all, so my curiosity is going to have to do some research on its own. The movie was wonderful. Inspiring. The kind of inspiring I wish all people could be affected by. It's movies like these that speak to that part of me that yearns to be great. To be unconquered. Sometimes I think I'm crazy, but true stories like these do help me realize that there are heroes still today. Sometimes I just wonder what I'm doing with my life. Why do I always have this feeling of settling. Why do I always want something greater? Isn't "great" a relative term? Just like "beauty"? Can't what I'm doing now be considered great in my own heart?? Why can't I find that peace? I'm not sure what scale I'm measuring myself on. Something, somewhere...has to give.
INVICTUS Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
2 great people with one world image. PEACE and LOVE for everyone. Why is that such a hard concept?
Last weekend, MTV held their annual, controversial VMA ceremony. The beginning of the show was dedicated to Michael. Ok, nothing strange there. The show began with a speech by Madonna. I will admit, I loved the speech. I understand she wasn't the best of friends with Michael, but because of the similar backgrounds and success, it was easy for them to understand each other. I loved what she said. I'm not sure if it was her idea to do it, but she stated things that it seems other people had been too chicken to say all this time. We gave up on Michael when he needed us most. It wasn't he fault. I'll post a link to the speech below. The speech was followed with a performance by a slew of dancers in Michael era-ish gear, dancing to Thriller, Bad, and Smooth Criminal. Then the highlight of the Tribute. Janet actually preformed to a recording of Scream, with Michael dancing on the screen in the back. Very touching and I'm sure it was supremely difficult for Janet to do the performance. Her and Michael had never actually preformed the song together while he was alive. At the end of her performance, the host for the night asked the audience to remember Michael for the evening and keep his sense of loving one another in their hearts. If you watched the show, you know how long that lasted....
Now, on to BET. 3, count them, 3 days after Michael died BET held their award show for the summer. In those 3 days they completely revamped the entire show. When it aired LIVE the show completely revolved around the King of Pop. Celebrities wore Michael inspired fashion and all performances were Michael based. It was a night to completely celebrate the man who re-shaped the music world.
I understand that BET is BLACK Entertainment Television, and that Michael and the TV network both identify with black audiences, so naturally they would want to celebrate such an influential man, right? Ok, here's my squabble with the whole situation: Michael MADE MTV! He absolutely revamped the TV station as a 20-something year old young man. Through MTV he introduced music videos to the world. MTV would NOT be around today without the success they received in their early years due to MJ success!!! So....why was MTV's tribute so lousy compared to BETs? That is the question of the hour. In recent years, MTV was on of the people that Madonna mentioned in her speech, possibly one of the biggest contributors. They GAVE UP on Michael in the later years of his career. There were times when they even condemned him, which they had no right to do. It seemed the late 90s and early 00s MTV forgot who made them popular and decided to put out the vibe that he was all the sudden uncool. Thanks, MTV, thanks so much!!!!! Your tribute means so much! If it were possible to flip MTV off I would do it. Their bigger goal was to cash in on Michael's death, and it was lame. The only reason I'll still show some love is because I know it took courage for Janet to do what she did. I bet she would have done it for BET before MTV though...if only BETs award show wouldn't have been so soon after his death.
So in conclusion: MTV never loved Michael. F*** you, MTV. Wonder where you'd be without him???
Here's Madonna's Speech:
Madonna Pays Tribute to Michael Jackson: "The all-star entertainer shares some poignant memories about Michael Jackson, and introduces a special performance tribute to the King of Pop. (2009 MTV Video Music Awards)"
Janet's Tribute to her brother. Thank you, Janet. Your courage and love is all too apparent. We love you.
Michael Jackson Tribute: "The spectacular opening of the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards pays tribute to legendary entertainment icon Michael Jackson with a special appearance by his sister, Janet Jackson. (2009 MTV Video Music Awards)"
August 29th has come and gone and Michael would have been 51. I remember last year, on his 50th birthday, talking to Mom about how I just couldn't believe that my Michael was actually 50. To me, he seemed like someone who would never reach that pivotal age; this transcendent, magical human being that would always be with the fans who loved him most. Now, on his 51st birthday, it's so surreal to know that his human life has ended, even though his heart lives on. Even though I had never met this man, I had always hoped to. And the influence his life had on my life is so great that now that he's gone, it just makes me want to continue to strive to heal the world in any small way, starting with the man in the mirror.
On Saturday BET played non-stop Michael documentaries, some of which I had seen before, others I had not. On one particular episode celebrities that had worked with Michael, were friends with him, etc, were interviewed. One person's comments in particular touched me deeply, maybe because I was feeling something of the same thing. Fonzworth Bentley from Outkast had been touched by Michael, just like so many millions of people around the world. He last comments about Michael were something to the effect of: "When Michael went to Heaven, he made a deal with God. If he was gonna have to leave Earth, and everyone he loved, then could God grant him one thing? Since Michael could no longer share his gift with the world, could God send a piece of Michael into each of his songs, this way his fans would always have a part of Michael to enjoy. And God granted him that wish."
While that's not exactly how Fonzworth stated his sentiment, I hope you can understand the deep meaning behind the thought. It's hard for me to articulate to someone else how deeply these words effected me, or how truly I believe them. The love and support for Michael these past few months is heartwarming and I firmly believe he is smiling, blushing, and speechless over all the attention.
May your birthday in Heaven be glorious and may the heavenly choirs make way for the most glorious angel of all. Happy Birthday, Michael. Thank you for the inspiration you have given me and millions like me all over the world.
August 9th my three cousins, Tammie, Kaycee, Chelsey, and I journeyed to Omaha, Nebraska, to see Taylor Swift in concert. Now, let me first say that I've always sort of had a "girl crush" on Taylor, ever since her first album. She's an amazing individual, but I would have to say she's become even more amazing with her second album and how much she's grown. Not only has she grown as a artist, but her message to the fans has become stronger as well. Ever since her second album came out, titled "Fearless" I have been in love with the title track. At the beginning of her Fearless concert, Taylor put together a video montage of different people, including her, voicing their ideas of what Fearless means (which was AWESOME!!) From the CD, this is what Fearless means to Taylor Swift:
To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and Prince Charmings and happily ever after. That’s why I write these songs. Because I think love is FEARLESS.
Here's what FEARLESS means to me:
FEARLESS is believing in love, always, everyday. No matter how hard it is or how much it hurts. FEARLESS is staying true to your core set of beliefs, when so many times it would be easier to make up easier beliefs as you go…. FEARLESS is loving Michael Jackson for the man he was and the inspiration he has been in my life, even though many people choose not to understand that love. FEARLESS is not judging others, but taking the time to know them. FEARLESS is not planning a future even though society screams, “Get a job, get married, have kids!!!”, but instead following your heart, one unpredictable step at a time. FEARLESS is trusting that God knows what He’s doing. He took enough time to make you, there was obviously a reason, and eventually you’ll find your own beautiful place in this world. FEARLESS is striving to make friends by yourself, instead of letting them find you. FEARLESS is believing in LIFE, believing in LOVE, and believing in YOURSElF.
Today is July 29th, only 2 more days until August, which means it's almost time for me to officially be in Norman, OK. I can't even describe how excited I am that soon I will be starting out on my own. Even though I've already completed college I was so close to home, and spent so much time there, it really feels like this is the first time I'm doing something for me, for Meredith. And it couldn't have come at a better time in my life. I love my friends, but I'm ready to make new ones. I love my home, but I'm ready to fine a new home. It's time to find out who I am and what I'm supposed to be doing.
This month has been much more exciting, and bearable, than June! 2 weeks ago I spent a weekend in Dallas with my Aunts and saw Aerosmith. Check another item off my Life's "To Do" List! It was amazing, just like I'd always imagined. Oh, and I'm seeing Taylor Swift with my little cousins in August!!
I also finally got my PLT and English content test out of the way. Only four weeks until I get my results. I sure hope I pass...it was one of the most awful days of my life. I took the test the same day as the Shrine Bowl and never thought I was going to get out of the testing center. Friday night I had driven to Wichita for the Shrine Bowl Banquet, then drove back to LaCrosse that night, Saturday morning I was in Hays from 7:30-1:30 for testing, then drove back to Wichita for the game, then Sunday morning it was back to Hays for another appointment...but enough about me...
The Shrine Bowl was awesome. As ready as I am to move on to the future, it was so comforting to have everyone gather once more to watch Marshall play high school football. I felt that wonderful sense of family and love that I felt every Friday night we gathered to support our Leopard. And the amazing part of the whole experience is, it's not just Marshall we're there to support. It's each other. Marshall, and the person he is and has become, gives our entire family a reason to join together and remember how much we love each other and how exceedingly important our family unit is to our day to day survival.
How grateful I am to be a part of such a beautiful family:
Ok, so it's been awhile since my last post, but this one will totally make up for it! This is much longer than a blog post should be...but deal with it ;)
I officially feel like I can give a good explanation of how I felt about Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince after seeing it twice. I went to the midnight premier, of course, but it was horrible. I hate when other people feel they have to ruin a film for everyone else that has paid good money to see it. The second time was much better and I was able to concentrate on the parts I knew were coming and really critique each area.
So in no order whatsoever, here are so of my likes, dislikes, and yeah-whatevers.
Dislikes: Beginning: I had no idea what movie I was even watching when the film started (Ok, after the Death Eater scene…which I’ll get to later.) Harry wasn’t supposed to be in a subway! Checking out a Muggle girl…I was confused…and I didn’t like it either. I also didn’t like Dumbledore’s appearance. This beginning lost so much, as opposed to the one in the book. I really wanted to see Petunia, Dudley, and Vernon. They’re so incredibly pathetic. And Dumbledore is so…Dumbledore in those scenes. This beginning, with the few lines from the book thrown in, just seemed too contrived.
Gaunt Family: (or complete lack thereof…) Where did these important characters go!?!?! I completely and utterly missed these memories from the Pensieve in this film. AND I feel that they are completely necessary to understanding Voledmort as a person, which is Dumbledore’s whole, entire point in this book. SO frustrating. Without Merope and her little love affair with Tom Riddle Sr. and all that good stuff I feel like we’re missing a big part of Voldemort the person.
Memories: Where did they go? They’re missing just like the Guant family….The memories in the Pensive were they core of this book, that and their meaning to Voldemort, Dumbledore, and Harry. One of the main scenes I think they left out was when Tom goes to see Hepizbah and she shows him her trinkets of Slytherin and Hufflepuff. Without that scene it’s hard to really understand how concentrated Voldemort is on objects of great importance.
Burning of the Burrow: Where was that in the book? And why put it into the movie if all you’re going to do is show the burning, and then completely ignore what happens to the family afterwards.
Death Scene: I had MULTIPLE problems with this. This was the scene I was so apprehensive about and it just made me mad....Ok, for one: Dumbledore making Harry promise to obey him would NOT have stopped the Harry I know from defending the man he thinks of as a father. This was ridiculous and I DO NOT buy into the theory that Harry was showing loyalty to Dumbledore. Harry would have done something...so just stupify him and make him invisible like he was in the book and get it over with. Also, what was the point of having the Death Eaters there if we NEVER saw the Order of the Phoenix. I hated that too....it didn't flow from the 5th movie with no OofP. I just felt like the end was anticlimactic...and I could go on for days, but I won't.
Likes: Harry, Ron, Hermione: All 3 = GREAT CHEMISTRY!!! I guess that’s what we get after having them work together for so many years. I just can’t say enough how much I loved their interactions. So natural.
Luna: What’s not to love about Luna. I wasn’t even upset that they put her in in places she wasn’t supposed to be….because she’s so darn cute and loveable. And silvery Christmas tree dress = complete WIN! So Luna. The only thing I wanted more from her was to hear to commentary during the Quidditch match…that would have been a double win.
Draco: I really loved Draco’s darkness. The movie added to Draco for me, instead of subtracting. Tom Felton did an amazing job portraying what Draco must have been feeling. The only “dislike” I have here is Draco brandishing the Dark Mark at the end. Never happened….and NO reason for it to happen. Defeats the purpose of Narcissa’s worry.
Bellatrix Lestrange: OMG SHE IS AMAZING! I don’t even care that she’s a bad witch. I want to be her. So bad. Nuff said. But my friend, Audree, mentioned the changing of Narcissa’s hair…and I agree, bad choice. I think if they would have left it the way Rowling intended it would have emphasized more the juxtaposition between Bellatrix and Cissy…
Dumbledore: His character was so perfect in this film. It’s amazing to me how he can say everything with the same tone of voice, yet you know right away if he’s serious or light-hearted. And did anyone else get the feeling the falling-over-the-wall death scene was something akin to Gandalf on Saurmon's tower in the TT??
Harry on Felix. He should be “high” on luck more often!!! Slughorn, “Harry!!” Harry, “Sirr??? Bhahahah! Makes me laugh all over again.
Yeah-Whatevers: Bill and Phlegm: This could have been great, but instead they took it out. After seeing how Fluer was presented in the 4th movie, I was really interested to see Fluer as Phelgm. Would have been hilarious. Plus, I think it would have developed Ginny more outside of her relationship with Harry.
Inferi: Looked like an army of Gollums. And Gollum gave me nightmares the first couple times I watched LotR. No lie.
Also would have liked to see more of the other classmates. What happened to Neville! Missed him and his toad…
Some people hated the ending-with just Harry, Ron, and Hermione standing around, but I really thought it was a great way to set up the 7th movies. Except I couldn't figure out why Ron was hanging back. That bugged me...he's just as much a part of Harry as Hermione. That was so...strange.
I probably left some stuff out. I’ve worked on this many times…stopping and starting depending on when I actually had time to sit down and think. Oh well…at least you’ll get an idea of what I thought!
Michael's Memorial was today and I'm not sure I've cried that much in such a short amount of time for quite awhile. I've passed the stage of feeling strange for crying for this man whom I would consider one of my best friends, though we never met. For me, he was a part of my life that will never be replaced, so I have every right to mourn.
The Memorial was beautiful and my heart was just swollen with joy at the outpouring of love and support around the world for this man. But the thing that surprised me the most was afterwards everyone kept saying that the memorial "humanized" Michael. What do you mean "humanized?" Michael has always been human, just like you and me...obviously not in the same way that a regular blue-collar adult is human, but human just the same. He lived, breathed, created, and loved just like anyone else. His heart beat and his lips smiled just as any other "human." Maybe he was too human for everyone. He was extra-human, while everyone else is just human/superhuman.
There were many amazing moments of the Memorial, but here are a few. I will later add Jermaine's version of "Smile" and Jennifer Hudson's version of "Will You Be There."
Here is Brook Shields speaking of her dear friend, Michael. Her words are absolutely gorgeous and the quotes she chooses fit the Michael I know and love perfectly. It's long, but you won't be sorry.
And here's the tear-jerker of the day. Little Paris, whom the public knows almost nothing, was brave enough to finally speak to the world. What courage and strength shown from such a little girl.
When Michael died, my first feeling was complete and utter emptiness, but then my thoughts went to his kids. Paris and Prince are both around the same age I was when my dad passed. At first I was like, "Wow, I can so relate to Paris. Losing her Dad at such a young age..." Then I thought about it more....actually I can't. All she had was Michael. Both Mom and Dad he was to those children. And embraced that role with his whole heart and being. So no, I can't relate to Paris. I only lost one of the pair of the unit that raised me. She lost everything. And not only was it her father, her father happened to be the most loved icon in the history of the world. She had had to share him her entire life. Today when she gave her impromptu speech I did feel close to her....she is a child, in pain, merely loving the parent she lost. I know that pain. All too well.
As Brooke said: "Michael saw everything with his heart. Today, although our hearts are aching, we need to look up where he is undoubtedly perched in a crescent moon, and we need to smile."
A video was just released today of Michael preforming a dress rehearsal of This Is It 48 hours before his death.
And now there will be a Memorial Service for him in the exact same arena where he was preforming.
Kinda hard to wrap your mind around. It just blows me away. All reports from Michael supporters..and now from others...is that Michael was on the verge of making the greatest comeback in HIStory. IN HISTORY!! I 100% believe it. And this video proves it.
Lou Ferrigno, Michael's trainer for the Bad Tour and now the This Is It tour, teared up talking about the death of his friend...barely saying "I'm gonna miss him..."
Jermaine Jackson, his brother, "I wish it were me..." Strong words, even for a protective older brother.
Blanket's godfather, Al Malnik, with whom Michael and his children spent extended periods of time, talked only of Michael's love for his children, humility, and deep sensitivity for every human life.
Larry King was blown away by the magic of Neverland. He was almost speechless during parts of his live show at the Ranch, which is saying a lot for Larry. Michael's magic has touched Larry too.
Watch Michael's last rehearsal. Ever. See how amazing he was, follow the flow of his movements, see the joy as he moves. He's 50 and loving being on stage. GENIUS !!!
Tribute to Michael Jackson by The Game, Diddy, Usher, Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, and Boyz II Men
LYRICS [Diddy talking] I remember the first time I seen you moonwalk, I believed I could do anything, you made the world dance, you made the music come to life
[Chris brown - Chorus] This the type of song that make the angels cry, I look up in the sky and I wonder why? why you had to go, go I know its better on the other side, you were chosen from the start never gon' let you go,
[The Game] Who's Michael Jackson, Your Michael Jackson, I'm Michael Jackson, We all Michael Jackson, I guess what I'm asking is everybody bow their head for a legend don't breathe for a second, now let the air out, grab the hand of somebody you care about, so you can hear my message, my confession, someone tell Usher, I seen the moonwalk, I guess the young thriller touched him, like he touched me, like he touched you, so carry on his legacy, something i must do, so i trust you lighting candles, concrete visuals, me and my brothers listen to Jackson 5 in the living room, first thing i did when i heard was call puff, cos him and Mike tried to stop the beef between us, who was us? Me and fifty, that beef is dead, him and Mike Jackson gonna take us to the ledge.
[Chorus]
As I'm pouring out this liquor candles start to flicker, when list (?) my air ones, MJ was my nier. Not the one that play ball, the one with the Hollywood star, and since I'm a Hollywood star imma tell you my story, [Courtesy of KillerHipHop.com] never had a family that close, never see Barry Gordy walking through interscope, just like me they always had Mike in a scope, no matter what you say, imma love him and hes still dope, let me take you back to 85 when i was in a zone, dancing for my momma thriller jacket with all the zippers on, now I'm doing 90 bout to crash in this Aston, listening to Outcast, I'm sorry Mrs Jackson anything I can ever do to better you your son was our king so we won't Corretta you, I'm writing this letter to all the Jackson kids, we all Jackson kids, time to let us through.
[Chorus]
[Boys II Men] This the kind of song that make the angels cry, look up in the sky and ask God, why o why why Do we live and let die This the kind of song that make the angels cry, look up in the sky and ask God, why o why why Do we live and let, live and let die.
The first time I heard this song it brought tears to my eyes. Had I been alone I probably would have broken down again. It still amazes me that the death of this man has effected me so deeply. I knew that him and his music were large parts of my life, but to have him gone so unexpectedly just leaves this strange void. He was the one I kept tabs on, always checking my Michael websites just to make sure he was doing fine. Especially now that the London concerts were getting closer. It had been so great to see news on him that wasn't negative. His death makes me wish even more that I had been born in the wrong era, I was meant to live my teens and twenties in the 80's.
Is it healthy to be this connected to a world icon? I don't think there's an answer to that question. Mainly because it is up to those of us who are true fans to take everything that Michael loved and accomplished in his life and make certain that it lives on, despite the death of the creator.
There have been so many things friends of Michael have said, articles that have been written, and videos that have been posted. I would love to share it all here, but there's no way to do so. I could spend days holed up in my room going through Michael things on the internet. Too bad I don't have time to savor this moment in HIStory.
This afternoon I was watching the kids, as usual, but we were getting ready for a long evening of ballgames and there was a storm blowing in. So between all that confusion the last tweet I saw on my twitter was Ashton Kutcher saying something about Michael being taken to the hospital...and then another that said Joe Jackson said MJ didn't look good. At this point my level of concern had risen, but the storm was in full force, electricity went out and I had no connection to the outside world (and a list of softball girls to call and tell there was no game...)
So then I start getting texts from people. No names mentioned. Texts that said things like "Well, I guess it's good you don't have to refund your concert tickets" and such. I was bewildered and beyond confused. Then I get one that says "He's dead." That's it...He's dead. Two simple words, but it's mind-blowing how they can change a person's life in mere seconds. I was in total shock, mainly because I couldn't confirm the information for myself. There was no way without electricity. So I call my mom in the field and she's heard it on the radio. At that point I was unable to speak, so instead just cried over the phone to my mother about the death of a man I have never met, probably would never meet, but felt like I had known deeply since I was 6. It's such a strange juxtaposition.
I had first met Michael when I was 6/7 in the middle of Sam's Club. Mom, Dad, Marshall, and I were on a shopping run in Salina and we walked past a display with a TV running this video of a man dancing, I mean really dancing, in a beautiful gold and white outfit. (If you know what video, you're awesome!) I was enthralled and wouldn't leave. Dad stood there with me while Mom went on and explained to me who the beautiful dancer was and what he was doing. I had never seen anything like it. The display was selling the VHS version of his HIStory videos. Which my wonderful daddy purchased for me that day and I STILL have to this day, even though it's worn out.
From that day forward I was a Michael Jackson die-hard. I don't know how many times I've told people in the past that I was born in the wrong era. I wish I could have been my age now in the 80's when everyone truly loved and adored Michael for the amazing human being he was. (past tense....so crazy...)
I can honestly say I think I was drawn to Michael because of the part of him that everyone else labeled as "weird." How does anyone else have the right to judge his choices as an adult when you have NEVER lived the life he did as a child? It's so contradictory to judge him. I love him for what he wanted to do with his life, his gift, his talents. Helping others and caring for those that loved him were his top priorities. That, and preforming. Being on stage, the only place he felt truly at home.
One of my wishes for my life had been to meet him. Who knew, Daddy? Who knew you would get that chance before me?? You introduced me to Michael in the first place and you get to be with him first. Lucky :) Please tell him what you know is in my heart. As I have done countless times in the past, I will continue to honor Michael's deeds and his name. What a glorious man we lost this day, June 25, 2009.
May your soul finally find peace in the eternal Neverland of Heaven.
Read this article, it fully summarizes the truth of Michael. Amazing writer! http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28421752/ns/entertainment-music/
Quote Quincy Jones: "He had it all…talent, grace, professionalism and dedication. He was the consummate entertainer and his contributions and legacy will be felt upon the world forever. I’ve lost my little brother today, and part of my soul has gone with him.”
It's OK Quincy, a part of my soul went with him as well. The world is a shade less brighter for losing Michael Jackson.
Living in Hays I had the entire upstairs to myself and living at home I was able to retire to my room and shut the door (and not be bothered.) I guess during the last 4 years I never realized how much I appreciated or loved that alone time. This summer I'm constantly with the kids, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it's like being a mom, in a way. I am constantly responsible for the lives and well-being of two other people and they must always come before me (now this is going to start sounding selfish, which wasn't my intent.) It's just a strange feeling knowing that I can't shut my mind down and read, lose myself for awhile on the internet, or study by myself uninterrupted because I'm responsible for other people. This feeling just reinforces to me that I am in no way ready to be a parent/married/anything like that. Not that I won't be someday, but not right now. At this point in my life, I really, truly enjoy the time I have just to myself. I'm not really ashamed of that sounding selfish because a person can only enjoy time like this while they have it. After parenthood everything changes. I know this summer has already made me appreciate my parents more for all that they did for me growing up. Parents really are the greatest people in the world.
Father's Day was last Sunday. Happy Father's Day, Daddy and Grandpa Musil. Love you, Miss you, Always.
This Sunday's PostSecret was all about Father's Day. Even though this wasn't a perfect fit, it still made good sense for me. There was another that I couldn't get uploaded that said:
If I was ever granted just one wish it would be for you to have your Father back.
I was holding on, now I'm letting go This is nothing more than a picture show Everything I knew, now I hardly know Busy keeping less, never getting more
One more nickel dime I'm out the door This kind of life I can't afford
I want to believe There's something to believe I would live only Just to believe Oh, I'd love to believe It's not only me, that's longing Only just to believe 'Cause I want to believe I want to believe
Can't put my mind at ease with the words I say Trying to get myself to get out of my way Birds in the trees, just make me depressed Seeing sunny skies, feeling emptiness
Layers of lies just seem to fold This kind of life is all I know
I want to believe There's something to believe I would live only Just to believe Oh, I'd love to believe It's not only me that's longing Only just to believe 'Cause I want to believe I want to believe
Murder wears a friendly smile Like the perfect end in a plastic vial No pain Sorry I can't seem to stay But this bird was meant to fly away Fly away, fly away
Layers of lies just seem to fold This kind of life is all I know
I want to believe There's something to believe I would live only Just to believe Oh, I'd love to believe It's not only me that's longing Only just to believe 'Cause I want to believe I want to believe
I will believe I'd love to believe I can believe in something I will believe I'd love to believe I can't believe in nothing
Hanson's "Believe"
Sums up how I felt today much more poetically than I could have said it at any point in the last 24 hours--unfortunately, my self expression probably would have came in the form of screaming into a pillow for untold hours or crying pathetically for apparently no reason. All out of complete and utter frustration/helplessness...
A song is much less violent and doesn't leave one with a stuffy nose, red eyes, and a sore throat.
Ok so I don't have a problem setting goals...maybe sometimes I have a problem with changing those very goals halfway through...but I still DO like to set them.
Well, for graduate school they want me to write a Statement of goals outlining what I intend to do with a Master's degree for their University. What the hell? I have NO idea what I want to do with a Master's degree from their University. Which is precisely why I want to go to grad school in the first place. I'm 22 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Getting a real job and getting stuck at this age seems so extremely FRIGHTENING to me right now that I just can't handle the thought, therefore: Grad school. Does no one else in the world feel like this??
I just cannot imagine myself getting an actual job at this point in my life...I mean, I know I have to work, but at a job that I would be doing FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?? I don't think so... Do you know how much life I plan on living yet? A lot...so why start now with all the serious stuff? I have so many things I want to do before I "settle down, start a family, and work for the rest of my life." Unfortunately, the only way out of that scenario that I can see right now it going to grad school and finding ways to travel and be a kid, which I plan on doing...so quit making me articulate my "goals."
Saying goodbye is overrated. Especially when it's associated with something sad. And while leaving Marshall in Norman yesterday WAS sad, it wasn't sad in the sense of being melancholy, depressing, etc....it was sad in that he won't be with us anymore. Which is selfish and really, it is time for him to move on and pursue the dreams he's had since he was little. Mom and I (and the rest of his loving family!) have prepared him for this day as much as we can, and now it's his turn to make his own mark on the world.
Driving away I had this overwhelming sense of pride. I'm so proud of my little brother and I can honestly say I feel sure that he is destined to succeed. Anyone that knows me knows I wouldn't have left him there, a state away, if I didn't feel completely OK with the situation (which may be a little too protective, but he's very important to me). Also, I just felt that we weren't leaving him there alone. And we weren't. He's never alone with a guardian angel like Dad, so why worry?
And really, when this is the view from your dorm room.....
What else is there to say?! BOOMER SOONER---GO OU!!!!!!
I wonder this... ....and if I jump into bed fast enough at night the monster under the bed won't get me. ....and if you don't look out the window at night, nothing will get you.
Overactive imagination.
This makes me sad. But intrigues me as well. It's interesting to me that someone would associate their feelings as a human with those of the disciple Judas.
1. My ex.....is swathing alfalfa by Raymond right now. 2. Maybe I should.....be writing lists for Mom's wedding. 3. I love....my life. It might be hard sometimes, but it's perfect. 4. People would say that I.....am crazy and geeky...but they love me anyway! 5. I don't understand.....how some people raise their children or why others feel the need to grow up so quickly. I'm just fine taking all the time in the world. 6. When I wake up in the morning....I'm STARVING! Sleeping is such hard work. 7. I have lost.....a piece of my heart. And it hurts. 8. Life is full of.....limitless possibilities that I can't wait to explore! 9. My past taught me.....to live each day to the fullest. You never know how much time you have. 10. I get annoyed....."when there is a schedule and yet some people think it means I'm up-tight if I want to stick to it. I feel like someone truly loves me if they can be on time. It's something about effort and thinking ahead that proves it." I totally quoted my friend Audree here, but this is EXACTLY how I feel. 11. Parties are.....done. I think I was over them before I started them. 12. I wish....so many things there's no way I could list them all. Success for my brother, a perfect wedding for my mother, and a tall, dark, handsome, Italian man for me ;) 13. Dogs.....sense my fear of them. And then lick my leg. EWWWW 14. Cats....prefect. I want a kitten that stays a kitten forever. 15. Tomorrow is.....another gift from God. 16. I have a low tolerance for...... ignorance. 17. If I had a million dollars.....I would buy a green dress, but not a real green dress, that's cruel. 18. I'm totally terrified of.....spiders, spiders, oh, and did I mention? Spiders. 19. I've come to realize that my last kiss....felt just like the first time.... 20. I am listening to......The Suite Life of Zack and Cody in the other room. Jerred is watching it. 21. I talk....constantly. My friends and family know this and are prepared for it. 22. My best friend.....is away from me from the first time since we were 6 and I'm lost without him. I tried to convince him to move in with me in Oklahoma, but no luck so far... 23. My first real kiss was......in Jenny's basement with Shane. We were with two other couples and still get made fun of for that night to this day. We will never live it down. At least I can laugh about it now. 24. Love is..... complicated and great all at the same time! 25. Marriage is......not for me right now. 26. Somewhere, someone is thinking....about the person they love. 27. I'll always....be crazy, stubborn, and a control-freak. It will take a special person to live with me :) 28. The last time I really cried was because......Marshall finally became a State Champion. 2009 State Champion in the 110 hurdles. It was FANTASTIC! 29. My cell phone is.....my little Berry. Love it! 30. Before I go to bed......I must read. Till I fall asleep. 31. Right now I am thinking about......nothing that needs to be revealed here. 32. Babies are.....absolutely awesome, but not for me right now. Someday though. I really want to be a mom! 33. Today I......played the Spongebob Squarepants game with Jerred. 34. Tomorrow I will be......at my brother's going away BBQ. 35. I really want to be.....a world traveler!
On the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night a trailer for New Moon. AMAZING! I actually can honestly say I'm much more excited for this movie than I was Twilight. I love Jacob and I can't wait to see how his movie character progresses. Also, I just remember how vividly I felt Bella's pain in this book, how real and raw it was. It will be interesting to see how that translates into film. I hope I'm not disappointed!
This picture really speaks for itself so I'll just give the background.
Another Leopard mom took this picture at the end of the 330 hurdles during Regional track in Moundridge, Friday, May 22nd.
Never before have I seen such a display of sheer will and determination to cross the finish line. I can't even describe to you seeing Marshall collide with track, in first place, only to realize he hadn't crossed the finish line. And then using what little strength he had left to launch his 220 lbs. frame 3 feet ahead and still grasp 3rd and a place at State in Wichita.
Brings tears to a sister's eyes.
I won't even go into the protest filed by the Inman coach. :S
That's me. Farm girl. At least for the summer. Today was my first "official" day on the job. And if the weather is any indicator of how the summer is going to progress, I'm in for it. Cold, drizzly, blustery, can you say November? at the end of May? Let's just hope Mother Nature got it out of her system before State Track of Friday.
Now let's get things straight. I love my family. Very much. And they know that. I'm just having a problem with this "displaced" thing. I like being able to go "home." Well, at this point, why go "home?" I have no room. Technically there is a room, but it's empty. And with the hours my employers keep, there's no way to go "home." Which, mind you, will only be "home" until July 4th. So yes, I'm whining about not having a room or a place to call home and I'm 22 years old. Bring on the criticism, I'm not ashamed.
I thought I was getting better with change. And honestly, I think I am. But I have my moments when the world feels like it's crashing down piece by piece and everything I've sacrificed for and built up the last 10 years is crumbling to dust at my feet.
Now, to put things in perspective: I am healthy, cared for, and have a shelter in which to live. I'm not terminally ill, nor are any of my family members. My mom has an amazing future to look forward to and my brother embarks on the beginning of his dream in less than 2 weeks. I couldn't be more proud of him. Period. I have a family that LOVES me no matter what I decide to do in my future. And, I have shoes, pretty ones (if you know me, you know this IS important.) So what the hell am I complaining about???
Good question.
The answer? Not so simple.
My solution: reminding myself what I DO have each and every morning when I get up, and each night when I go to bed. Reminding myself how blessed I am to have such an amazing support group, not only for me, but for all my family members. What a great group of people I have around me! (Bieberle's and Musil's included...and all you that are family to me, just not by blood...details, details)
Plus, I'm out here by Dad all summer. Even though I know he's with me all the time, I still somehow feel closer to him being out here, which I love.
Life really isn't all that bad. Moments can just seem like it.
I'm in the process of cleaning out my room. For the last time. This will be the last time I will clean my room here in LaCrosse, mainly because we're selling the house. As I'm cleaning my mind is either numb to what I'm doing, or racing with thoughts of all the changes happening for my family. And as I'm thinking, it's not necessarily a bad thing that this is happening, just once again, I feel a little lost. When we moved from Osborne it was different. It was Mom, Marshall, and me--my comfort unit moving together to a different town, but still together. Now, this is not the case. I'm cleaning out my room to move to the farm, then on to Norman. Marsh will only be here 2 more weeks (2 MORE WEEKS!!) and then he's gone. His life as a Sooner starts and he's almost no longer ours. Not like he used to be anyway. The only thing that makes me feel better about he move is that is where he wants (and needs) to be. And I'll be there in August. Mom is starting on her own journey too, which is good. I just hate that once this move is over I won't really have a "home," at least not in the sense that I used too. That comfort zone/place that I could always fall back on, that felt safe and welcoming. Which is all part of the word change....
BUT one good thing: I found these old magazines that I have kept for YEARS! Backstreet Boys, Orlando Bloom, and HANSON. Love it.
To begin with, I have never seen, nor read, either "The Da Vinci Code" or "Angels and Demons". My first experience with this series had been seeing "Angels and Demons" in theatres. After seeing it, I was so glad Jim dragged (OK, I agreed) to it. BUT I will say that I was leery. I had vowed never to see/read "The Da Vinci Code" because it supposedly bashes Catholics...and I just hate that. But after seeing "Angels and Demons" I don't know how that would be true. I need to see it too now....I mean, ok, if you were really sensitive and took everything seriously, then I could see how you would think that it bashes Catholics...but it's just a movie, just a plot line, and a good one at that! So now I shall outline a few points/parts/ideas from the movie, and remember, I've only seen it once.
Caution!! Spoilers to follow:
The guy with the glasses, you know, the one killing the Cardinals: It took me forever to figure him out. He was everywhere at the beginning. And usually the one way I could pick him out was from his glasses. But my main problem was what happened to him. So he's injured while burning the third Cardinal and then when Vittoria and Robert meet him in his hideout at the Castel Sant'Angelo he's still hurt and even though he has the chance to kill them both...doesn't. And his line of dialogue at this point is something along the lines of "I didn't kill you because it wasn't designated as part of my job. So you're free, but if you follow me after this, it's another matter". So weird. So he leaves, so do Vittoria and Robert, and then they watch glasses guy get blown up in a car that he tries to hijack. At this point I'm like seriously?? wtf?? So somebody had hired glasses guy to scheme against the Cardinals and use all this Illuminati stuff, and then decided he knew too much or something? Or was he really part of the Guild? And how did he conveniently choose the one car in the street that was loaded with a bomb? Too convenient for me. Maybe I missed his resolution, but I somehow wanted someone to admit what really happened to him before the movie was over. He was a good actor for the character...but I was still confused as to how he fit in with the bigger scene of the movie. What did he have to do with Camerlengo? Was Camerlengo and glasses guy all a part of the Illuminati? And......did this guy steal the Antimatter from the underground place at the very beginning? That was another thing I never figured out. At first, I thought the Antimatter got out by itself (I was picturing this escaped blob of some sort...dumb I know...) So my conclusion: Glasses guy was part of the Illuminati that was shown at the beginning of the movie. And conveniently decided to do this to the preferiti while all the other stuff was going on with Camerlengo. ????
Antimatter: This isn't a new concept. And I really liked how they discussed this issue as the marriage of science and religion. That was SO interesting to me. Science has always been driven toward the goal of finding creation. And religion claims to already have the answer. Antimatter is that same substance that Phillip Pullman writes about in his series, His Dark Materials. It's the Dust. I won't go into too much here, but I think if I ever wrote a thesis it would be on Antimatter/Dust in literature. So interesting. Antimatter to Vittoria is new, original matter created solely by humans and existing energy--it symbolizes the actuality creation. No wonder the church is scared. Pullman's Dust is dark matter that is somehow conscious and is attracted to people. The church in these books believe it is Original Sin. Yeah, now make sense of that... Well, both of these strange matters seem to have some sort of origin that isn't in sync with how the rest of the world was created. Which doesn't jive with the church...at all. The would like to control everything (and I'm Catholic...but this seems to be how other people view it sometimes...) So any new information/experiments on Antimatter are being done in secret by the Illuminati (thought to have disappeared hundreds of years ago) and accidentally their experiment was brought above ground.
Richter: Finally, at the end, my heart went out to him the most. He was the one who honestly had the Pope and the Church's best interests at heart the whole time. Then, I was mad that I had thought he was a jerk the whole movie. A big jerk. But that's what made it good too...I didn't know I was supposed to like him until the end. But wow, too bad he had to die. Great plot twist here! Kudos.
Censuring: I understand why parts of the film were censured in some places. I had my hands over my eyes...a lot! Of course, I always peaked, but wow. It doesn't take much to make me hide my eyes, but some scenes in this movie reminded me of torture scenes from the book series The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind. Nasty stuff. I really didn't need to see the poor Cardinal in the basement being eaten by rats. Or Silvano's eye gouged out. And I'm glad I didn't see this movie until I came back from Italy, I might have felt slightly strange in some of the churches if I had seen a priest being burned or a having his lungs punctured there. So yeah...
My conclusion: I need to read the book. Only then will I truly understand this mess. But I will admit, this movie was fantastic/horrible/graphic/insightful/emotional/etc. I felt so many different emotions throughout the movie...it was almost exhausting. But I think that's what a good movie does. And by graphic...I mean graphic. There was little girl behind Jim and I that was crying in the first 15 minutes and had to be taken out. Plus, it was 10x cooler since I was just in Italy in March. I had actually walked in many of the places that were the set (like the Pantheon and Vatican!) for this movie! Score!!!
So, here's the beginning of my Blog. We'll see how exciting it is :)
Purpose: Well, mainly my purpose here is the same as anyone else's that has a personal blog. When thoughts occur to me or I need to think (write) something through...this is where I plan to do it. Thanks for your interest!
