The Day the Music Died

Today has probably been one of the most surreal days of my life. I’m not even sure how to being this blog, only that I need to. I am not being cliché at all when I say that my heart literally broke today. Now I can hardly even order my thoughts enough to write.

This afternoon I was watching the kids, as usual, but we were getting ready for a long evening of ballgames and there was a storm blowing in. So between all that confusion the last tweet I saw on my twitter was Ashton Kutcher saying something about Michael being taken to the hospital...and then another that said Joe Jackson said MJ didn't look good. At this point my level of concern had risen, but the storm was in full force, electricity went out and I had no connection to the outside world (and a list of softball girls to call and tell there was no game...)

So then I start getting texts from people. No names mentioned. Texts that said things like "Well, I guess it's good you don't have to refund your concert tickets" and such. I was bewildered and beyond confused. Then I get one that says "He's dead." That's it...He's dead. Two simple words, but it's mind-blowing how they can change a person's life in mere seconds. I was in total shock, mainly because I couldn't confirm the information for myself. There was no way without electricity. So I call my mom in the field and she's heard it on the radio. At that point I was unable to speak, so instead just cried over the phone to my mother about the death of a man I have never met, probably would never meet, but felt like I had known deeply since I was 6. It's such a strange juxtaposition.

I had first met Michael when I was 6/7 in the middle of Sam's Club. Mom, Dad, Marshall, and I were on a shopping run in Salina and we walked past a display with a TV running this video of a man dancing, I mean really dancing, in a beautiful gold and white outfit. (If you know what video, you're awesome!) I was enthralled and wouldn't leave. Dad stood there with me while Mom went on and explained to me who the beautiful dancer was and what he was doing. I had never seen anything like it. The display was selling the VHS version of his HIStory videos. Which my wonderful daddy purchased for me that day and I STILL have to this day, even though it's worn out.

From that day forward I was a Michael Jackson die-hard. I don't know how many times I've told people in the past that I was born in the wrong era. I wish I could have been my age now in the 80's when everyone truly loved and adored Michael for the amazing human being he was. (past tense....so crazy...)

I can honestly say I think I was drawn to Michael because of the part of him that everyone else labeled as "weird." How does anyone else have the right to judge his choices as an adult when you have NEVER lived the life he did as a child? It's so contradictory to judge him. I love him for what he wanted to do with his life, his gift, his talents. Helping others and caring for those that loved him were his top priorities. That, and preforming. Being on stage, the only place he felt truly at home.

One of my wishes for my life had been to meet him. Who knew, Daddy? Who knew you would get that chance before me?? You introduced me to Michael in the first place and you get to be with him first. Lucky :)
Please tell him what you know is in my heart. As I have done countless times in the past, I will continue to honor Michael's deeds and his name. What a glorious man we lost this day, June 25, 2009.

May your soul finally find peace in the eternal Neverland of Heaven.



Read this article, it fully summarizes the truth of Michael. Amazing writer!
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28421752/ns/entertainment-music/

Quote Quincy Jones: "He had it all…talent, grace, professionalism and dedication. He was the consummate entertainer and his contributions and legacy will be felt upon the world forever. I’ve lost my little brother today, and part of my soul has gone with him.”

It's OK Quincy, a part of my soul went with him as well. The world is a shade less brighter for losing Michael Jackson.

Summertime

Living in Hays I had the entire upstairs to myself and living at home I was able to retire to my room and shut the door (and not be bothered.) I guess during the last 4 years I never realized how much I appreciated or loved that alone time. This summer I'm constantly with the kids, which in itself is not a bad thing, but it's like being a mom, in a way. I am constantly responsible for the lives and well-being of two other people and they must always come before me (now this is going to start sounding selfish, which wasn't my intent.) It's just a strange feeling knowing that I can't shut my mind down and read, lose myself for awhile on the internet, or study by myself uninterrupted because I'm responsible for other people. This feeling just reinforces to me that I am in no way ready to be a parent/married/anything like that. Not that I won't be someday, but not right now. At this point in my life, I really, truly enjoy the time I have just to myself. I'm not really ashamed of that sounding selfish because a person can only enjoy time like this while they have it. After parenthood everything changes. I know this summer has already made me appreciate my parents more for all that they did for me growing up. Parents really are the greatest people in the world.

Father's Day was last Sunday. Happy Father's Day, Daddy and Grandpa Musil. Love you, Miss you, Always.



This Sunday's PostSecret was all about Father's Day. Even though this wasn't a perfect fit, it still made good sense for me. There was another that I couldn't get uploaded that said:

If I was ever granted just one wish it would be for you to have your Father back.

"Believe"

...

I was holding on, now I'm letting go
This is nothing more than a picture show
Everything I knew, now I hardly know
Busy keeping less, never getting more

One more nickel dime I'm out the door
This kind of life I can't afford

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me, that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

Can't put my mind at ease with the words I say
Trying to get myself to get out of my way
Birds in the trees, just make me depressed
Seeing sunny skies, feeling emptiness

Layers of lies just seem to fold
This kind of life is all I know

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

Murder wears a friendly smile
Like the perfect end in a plastic vial
No pain
Sorry I can't seem to stay
But this bird was meant to fly away
Fly away, fly away

Layers of lies just seem to fold
This kind of life is all I know

I want to believe
There's something to believe
I would live only
Just to believe
Oh, I'd love to believe
It's not only me that's longing
Only just to believe
'Cause I want to believe
I want to believe

I will believe
I'd love to believe
I can believe in something
I will believe
I'd love to believe
I can't believe in nothing


Hanson's "Believe"

Sums up how I felt today much more poetically than I could have said it at any point in the last 24 hours--unfortunately, my self expression probably would have came in the form of screaming into a pillow for untold hours or crying pathetically for apparently no reason. All out of complete and utter frustration/helplessness...

A song is much less violent and doesn't leave one with a stuffy nose, red eyes, and a sore throat.

Such is life...


Thanks guys!

Statement of Goals

Ok so I don't have a problem setting goals...maybe sometimes I have a problem with changing those very goals halfway through...but I still DO like to set them.

Well, for graduate school they want me to write a Statement of goals outlining what I intend to do with a Master's degree for their University. What the hell? I have NO idea what I want to do with a Master's degree from their University. Which is precisely why I want to go to grad school in the first place. I'm 22 years old and I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Getting a real job and getting stuck at this age seems so extremely FRIGHTENING to me right now that I just can't handle the thought, therefore: Grad school. Does no one else in the world feel like this??

I just cannot imagine myself getting an actual job at this point in my life...I mean, I know I have to work, but at a job that I would be doing FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?? I don't think so... Do you know how much life I plan on living yet? A lot...so why start now with all the serious stuff? I have so many things I want to do before I "settle down, start a family, and work for the rest of my life." Unfortunately, the only way out of that scenario that I can see right now it going to grad school and finding ways to travel and be a kid, which I plan on doing...so quit making me articulate my "goals."


Someday soon I plan on this being MY secret:

See you later...

Saying goodbye is overrated. Especially when it's associated with something sad. And while leaving Marshall in Norman yesterday WAS sad, it wasn't sad in the sense of being melancholy, depressing, etc....it was sad in that he won't be with us anymore. Which is selfish and really, it is time for him to move on and pursue the dreams he's had since he was little. Mom and I (and the rest of his loving family!) have prepared him for this day as much as we can, and now it's his turn to make his own mark on the world.

Driving away I had this overwhelming sense of pride. I'm so proud of my little brother and I can honestly say I feel sure that he is destined to succeed. Anyone that knows me knows I wouldn't have left him there, a state away, if I didn't feel completely OK with the situation (which may be a little too protective, but he's very important to me). Also, I just felt that we weren't leaving him there alone. And we weren't. He's never alone with a guardian angel like Dad, so why worry?

And really, when this is the view from your dorm room.....

What else is there to say?!

BOOMER SOONER---GO OU!!!!!!

PostSecret

I wonder this...
....and if I jump into bed fast enough at night the monster under the bed won't get me.
....and if you don't look out the window at night, nothing will get you.

Overactive imagination.



This makes me sad. But intrigues me as well. It's interesting to me that someone would associate their feelings as a human with those of the disciple Judas.


I love PostSecret.

Finish the Sentence...

1. My ex.....is swathing alfalfa by Raymond right now.
2. Maybe I should.....be writing lists for Mom's wedding.
3. I love....my life. It might be hard sometimes, but it's perfect.
4. People would say that I.....am crazy and geeky...but they love me anyway!
5. I don't understand.....how some people raise their children or why others feel the need to grow up so quickly. I'm just fine taking all the time in the world.
6. When I wake up in the morning....I'm STARVING! Sleeping is such hard work.
7. I have lost.....a piece of my heart. And it hurts.
8. Life is full of.....limitless possibilities that I can't wait to explore!
9. My past taught me.....to live each day to the fullest. You never know how much time you have.
10. I get annoyed....."when there is a schedule and yet some people think it means I'm up-tight if I want to stick to it. I feel like someone truly loves me if they can be on time. It's something about effort and thinking ahead that proves it." I totally quoted my friend Audree here, but this is EXACTLY how I feel.
11. Parties are.....done. I think I was over them before I started them.
12. I wish....so many things there's no way I could list them all. Success for my brother, a perfect wedding for my mother, and a tall, dark, handsome, Italian man for me ;)
13. Dogs.....sense my fear of them. And then lick my leg. EWWWW
14. Cats....prefect. I want a kitten that stays a kitten forever.
15. Tomorrow is.....another gift from God.
16. I have a low tolerance for...... ignorance.
17. If I had a million dollars.....I would buy a green dress, but not a real green dress, that's cruel.
18. I'm totally terrified of.....spiders, spiders, oh, and did I mention? Spiders.
19. I've come to realize that my last kiss....felt just like the first time....
20. I am listening to......The Suite Life of Zack and Cody in the other room. Jerred is watching it.
21. I talk....constantly. My friends and family know this and are prepared for it.
22. My best friend.....is away from me from the first time since we were 6 and I'm lost without him. I tried to convince him to move in with me in Oklahoma, but no luck so far...
23. My first real kiss was......in Jenny's basement with Shane. We were with two other couples and still get made fun of for that night to this day. We will never live it down. At least I can laugh about it now.
24. Love is..... complicated and great all at the same time!
25. Marriage is......not for me right now.
26. Somewhere, someone is thinking....about the person they love.
27. I'll always....be crazy, stubborn, and a control-freak. It will take a special person to live with me :)
28. The last time I really cried was because......Marshall finally became a State Champion. 2009 State Champion in the 110 hurdles. It was FANTASTIC!
29. My cell phone is.....my little Berry. Love it!
30. Before I go to bed......I must read. Till I fall asleep.
31. Right now I am thinking about......nothing that needs to be revealed here.
32. Babies are.....absolutely awesome, but not for me right now. Someday though. I really want to be a mom!
33. Today I......played the Spongebob Squarepants game with Jerred.
34. Tomorrow I will be......at my brother's going away BBQ.
35. I really want to be.....a world traveler!

And just for fun ;)

New Moon

On the MTV Movie Awards Sunday night a trailer for New Moon. AMAZING! I actually can honestly say I'm much more excited for this movie than I was Twilight. I love Jacob and I can't wait to see how his movie character progresses. Also, I just remember how vividly I felt Bella's pain in this book, how real and raw it was. It will be interesting to see how that translates into film. I hope I'm not disappointed!

Here's the link to the video!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tb8lN8alYl0



Ah...Jacob.

DETERMINATION

This picture really speaks for itself so I'll just give the background.

Another Leopard mom took this picture at the end of the 330 hurdles during Regional track in Moundridge, Friday, May 22nd.

Never before have I seen such a display of sheer will and determination to cross the finish line. I can't even describe to you seeing Marshall collide with track, in first place, only to realize he hadn't crossed the finish line. And then using what little strength he had left to launch his 220 lbs. frame 3 feet ahead and still grasp 3rd and a place at State in Wichita.

Brings tears to a sister's eyes.

I won't even go into the protest filed by the Inman coach. :S

Farm Girl

That's me. Farm girl. At least for the summer. Today was my first "official" day on the job. And if the weather is any indicator of how the summer is going to progress, I'm in for it. Cold, drizzly, blustery, can you say November? at the end of May? Let's just hope Mother Nature got it out of her system before State Track of Friday.

Now let's get things straight. I love my family. Very much. And they know that. I'm just having a problem with this "displaced" thing. I like being able to go "home." Well, at this point, why go "home?" I have no room. Technically there is a room, but it's empty. And with the hours my employers keep, there's no way to go "home." Which, mind you, will only be "home" until July 4th. So yes, I'm whining about not having a room or a place to call home and I'm 22 years old. Bring on the criticism, I'm not ashamed.

I thought I was getting better with change. And honestly, I think I am. But I have my moments when the world feels like it's crashing down piece by piece and everything I've sacrificed for and built up the last 10 years is crumbling to dust at my feet.

Now, to put things in perspective: I am healthy, cared for, and have a shelter in which to live. I'm not terminally ill, nor are any of my family members. My mom has an amazing future to look forward to and my brother embarks on the beginning of his dream in less than 2 weeks. I couldn't be more proud of him. Period. I have a family that LOVES me no matter what I decide to do in my future. And, I have shoes, pretty ones (if you know me, you know this IS important.) So what the hell am I complaining about???

Good question.

The answer? Not so simple.

My solution: reminding myself what I DO have each and every morning when I get up, and each night when I go to bed. Reminding myself how blessed I am to have such an amazing support group, not only for me, but for all my family members. What a great group of people I have around me! (Bieberle's and Musil's included...and all you that are family to me, just not by blood...details, details)

Plus, I'm out here by Dad all summer. Even though I know he's with me all the time, I still somehow feel closer to him being out here, which I love.

Life really isn't all that bad. Moments can just seem like it.



Love you. Miss you. Always.

PostSecret

Are any of you familiar with PostSecret? If not, you should be. It will change your life.

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/


I wanted to share a secret I found today. It perfectly describes how I felt in Italy. I wish I could feel like that again. Ah, Italia....

The Beginning of the End

I'm in the process of cleaning out my room. For the last time. This will be the last time I will clean my room here in LaCrosse, mainly because we're selling the house. As I'm cleaning my mind is either numb to what I'm doing, or racing with thoughts of all the changes happening for my family. And as I'm thinking, it's not necessarily a bad thing that this is happening, just once again, I feel a little lost. When we moved from Osborne it was different. It was Mom, Marshall, and me--my comfort unit moving together to a different town, but still together. Now, this is not the case. I'm cleaning out my room to move to the farm, then on to Norman. Marsh will only be here 2 more weeks (2 MORE WEEKS!!) and then he's gone. His life as a Sooner starts and he's almost no longer ours. Not like he used to be anyway. The only thing that makes me feel better about he move is that is where he wants (and needs) to be. And I'll be there in August. Mom is starting on her own journey too, which is good.
I just hate that once this move is over I won't really have a "home," at least not in the sense that I used too. That comfort zone/place that I could always fall back on, that felt safe and welcoming. Which is all part of the word change....


BUT one good thing: I found these old magazines that I have kept for YEARS! Backstreet Boys, Orlando Bloom, and HANSON. Love it.

Angels and Demons: The Run-down

To begin with, I have never seen, nor read, either "The Da Vinci Code" or "Angels and Demons". My first experience with this series had been seeing "Angels and Demons" in theatres. After seeing it, I was so glad Jim dragged (OK, I agreed) to it. BUT I will say that I was leery. I had vowed never to see/read "The Da Vinci Code" because it supposedly bashes Catholics...and I just hate that. But after seeing "Angels and Demons" I don't know how that would be true. I need to see it too now....I mean, ok, if you were really sensitive and took everything seriously, then I could see how you would think that it bashes Catholics...but it's just a movie, just a plot line, and a good one at that! So now I shall outline a few points/parts/ideas from the movie, and remember, I've only seen it once.

Caution!! Spoilers to follow:

The guy with the glasses, you know, the one killing the Cardinals: It took me forever to figure him out. He was everywhere at the beginning. And usually the one way I could pick him out was from his glasses. But my main problem was what happened to him. So he's injured while burning the third Cardinal and then when Vittoria and Robert meet him in his hideout at the Castel Sant'Angelo he's still hurt and even though he has the chance to kill them both...doesn't. And his line of dialogue at this point is something along the lines of "I didn't kill you because it wasn't designated as part of my job. So you're free, but if you follow me after this, it's another matter". So weird.
So he leaves, so do Vittoria and Robert, and then they watch glasses guy get blown up in a car that he tries to hijack. At this point I'm like seriously?? wtf??
So somebody had hired glasses guy to scheme against the Cardinals and use all this Illuminati stuff, and then decided he knew too much or something? Or was he really part of the Guild? And how did he conveniently choose the one car in the street that was loaded with a bomb? Too convenient for me. Maybe I missed his resolution, but I somehow wanted someone to admit what really happened to him before the movie was over. He was a good actor for the character...but I was still confused as to how he fit in with the bigger scene of the movie. What did he have to do with Camerlengo? Was Camerlengo and glasses guy all a part of the Illuminati?
And......did this guy steal the Antimatter from the underground place at the very beginning? That was another thing I never figured out. At first, I thought the Antimatter got out by itself (I was picturing this escaped blob of some sort...dumb I know...) So my conclusion: Glasses guy was part of the Illuminati that was shown at the beginning of the movie. And conveniently decided to do this to the preferiti while all the other stuff was going on with Camerlengo. ????

Antimatter: This isn't a new concept. And I really liked how they discussed this issue as the marriage of science and religion. That was SO interesting to me. Science has always been driven toward the goal of finding creation. And religion claims to already have the answer. Antimatter is that same substance that Phillip Pullman writes about in his series, His Dark Materials. It's the Dust. I won't go into too much here, but I think if I ever wrote a thesis it would be on Antimatter/Dust in literature. So interesting. Antimatter to Vittoria is new, original matter created solely by humans and existing energy--it symbolizes the actuality creation. No wonder the church is scared. Pullman's Dust is dark matter that is somehow conscious and is attracted to people. The church in these books believe it is Original Sin. Yeah, now make sense of that...
Well, both of these strange matters seem to have some sort of origin that isn't in sync with how the rest of the world was created. Which doesn't jive with the church...at all. The would like to control everything (and I'm Catholic...but this seems to be how other people view it sometimes...) So any new information/experiments on Antimatter are being done in secret by the Illuminati (thought to have disappeared hundreds of years ago) and accidentally their experiment was brought above ground.

Richter: Finally, at the end, my heart went out to him the most. He was the one who honestly had the Pope and the Church's best interests at heart the whole time. Then, I was mad that I had thought he was a jerk the whole movie. A big jerk. But that's what made it good too...I didn't know I was supposed to like him until the end. But wow, too bad he had to die. Great plot twist here! Kudos.

Censuring: I understand why parts of the film were censured in some places. I had my hands over my eyes...a lot! Of course, I always peaked, but wow. It doesn't take much to make me hide my eyes, but some scenes in this movie reminded me of torture scenes from the book series The Sword of Truth by Terry Goodkind. Nasty stuff. I really didn't need to see the poor Cardinal in the basement being eaten by rats. Or Silvano's eye gouged out. And I'm glad I didn't see this movie until I came back from Italy, I might have felt slightly strange in some of the churches if I had seen a priest being burned or a having his lungs punctured there. So yeah...


My conclusion: I need to read the book. Only then will I truly understand this mess. But I will admit, this movie was fantastic/horrible/graphic/insightful/emotional/etc. I felt so many different emotions throughout the movie...it was almost exhausting. But I think that's what a good movie does. And by graphic...I mean graphic. There was little girl behind Jim and I that was crying in the first 15 minutes and had to be taken out. Plus, it was 10x cooler since I was just in Italy in March. I had actually walked in many of the places that were the set (like the Pantheon and Vatican!) for this movie! Score!!!

Fantastic movie though. Go see it. NOW!

The Beginning...

So, here's the beginning of my Blog. We'll see how exciting it is :)

Purpose: Well, mainly my purpose here is the same as anyone else's that has a personal blog. When thoughts occur to me or I need to think (write) something through...this is where I plan to do it. Thanks for your interest!